And Stand In The Center Of It All

I'm a writer. It was my major in college, and it is the one thing I know will always be present in my life. I'm a writer.

I just haven't actually sat down in quite some time to write. There are a variety of excuses I could list. Not enough time, no secluded, private place to write; too tired; no inspiration. But they are all excuses. Lame excuses, at that.

The truth is I have a million ideas in my head. The truth is I write all the time. I just never put the words to paper.

And its going to change. Soon. I miss the life of a writer. I miss listening to certain songs on repeat as I pound out the ideas, thoughts, memories, dreams, hurts, and lives of characters.

Life has been so good to me lately. The Lord has been beyond faithful, to the point that it makes my heart hurt because I know I do not deserve His never-ending faithfulness. Nor do I deserve all the ways that He reveals Himself and His plan to me.

But He is giving it all to me freely, just as He gave me the gift of writing. I'm tired of wasting His gifts.

I'm tired of the excuses. I'm tired of not living my life the way He has intended. And I will stop living my life without Him as my first priority. Because He deserves all of me and more.

And I'm going to live with 100% trust and faith in Him and His plan. There are still unanswered questions and too many unknowns with the house we are planning to purchase. But I am not going to focus on those unanswered questions and unknowns. Instead, I am going to focus on Him and remembering that this house will happen only if He wills it to. And with all my heart, I believe He is willing it, so I will live with that thought in mind.

These are the lyrics inspiring me at the moment. The ones opening my eyes to all the possibilities. They make no sense in regards to my current position in life, but they have awakened my soul on this Sunday afternoon, just as church awakened my soul this Sunday morning. And just as God awakened my soul this Sunday morning by speaking to me through worship and through a beautiful young lady who asked me to mentor her. I feel so unequipped to mentor someone, but I know that if it is God's plan I will be able to do the mentoring she needs.

Leave unsaid, unspoken / Eyes wide shut, unopened / You and me / Always between the lines / Between the lines / I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed / That we'd move from the shadows on the wall / And stand in the center of it all / Too late, two choices to stay or to leave / Mine was so easy to uncover / He'd already left with the other / So I've learned to listen through silence sara bareilles - between the lines

Ones Who Entertain And Ones Who Observe

We attended a class from 9:30am until 2:30pm today. The class was titled "The Way", and it was put on by the church we have been visiting for the past several weeks, Frontline Church. 

Justin and I have been consistently moved by the sermons at Frontline Church. When I say moved, I mean that we have felt as though the words being spoken were Truth. I do not mean that the sermons made us feel good or gave us goosebumps. While I am not stating that those things are bad, I want to clarify what I mean by the statement that the sermons moved us.

After the class "The Way", Justin and I planned on beginning the official task of house hunting. We were scheduled to meet with a realtor to see a house in the Paseo District of Oklahoma City. About 20 minutes prior to our scheduled meeting time, however, our realtor called and said that she did not have the code to get into the house. We're hoping to see the house tomorrow, and we're hoping to possibly stumble on a few open houses tomorrow afternoon.

Life is moving quickly for us, and it's exciting to think of how many changes might await us in the coming days. It's also exciting to watch the number of presents increase under our Christmas tree and to think of the first married Christmas we have to look forward to.

Good And Evil Against My Chest

Justin and I both have a strong faith in God, and we have both felt our faith in God waiver during different periods of our lives. I can't speak for Justin, but I can say that there have been times when I have strongly questioned God's presence in my life. I've known that God existed for quite some time. I even stopped denying His existence in high school. However, I've always felt that He didn't exist in my life the way He did in others lives. I always decided there was nothing I could do to fix this fact because I felt as though I had already done everything and received nothing from my efforts.

On Sunday, Justin and I attended the church we are considering making our home church, Frontline Church in the heart of downtown Oklahoma City. Pastor Dave chose this Sunday to preach on what we do to stand in the way of God' full and amazing power. There were 6 things, and I wrote them down on a piece of paper that is currently stuffed in one of my purses. While I can't remember all 6 things, I do clearly remember thinking "holy crap, I am totally guilty of doing all those things...whoops?"

I spent time last night reading Genesis, in my attempt to hopefully read the entire Bible in 365 days, and then praying. And today, my prayers were answered in a way I did not expect. While I can't go into the details of how the prayer was answered, I can say that I am blown away by God's ability to leave me speechless and practically in (joyful) tears while sitting in my cubicle at work.

There have been so many times in the past when I have felt as though there was so much more out there for me. And I still feel that way. I can also recognize that I stood in my way in the past and that I am still currently standing in my way. I'm just stubborn enough, though, that I don't usually want to change my ways until God takes a 2x4 and whacks me upside the head. Usually, the whacks hurt and leave a huge lump. This time, the whack was wonderful and has left me with a goofy smile.

What this comes down to, I guess, is simple. God is showing me that I need to stop planning so much. While I know He doesn't want me to walk through life blindly, He does want me to let go of all my plans and ideas and need to be in control. I know this to be a fact because the place I am at in my life right now is a place I, honestly, never wanted to be in.

I planned to move far away from the southern region of the United States. I planned to reside in New York City or Los Angeles or Chicago or Paris or Beijing or some other equally amazing and gigantic city. I planned to never marry, at least not before I turned 30. I planned to teach. I planned.. a lot of things.

Instead, I stayed in Oklahoma City. I married right out of college, at the age of 23, after knowing the man for (not even) 12 months. I'm not a teacher. The salary I make at my current job is much smaller than I planned for or hoped for. Still, the job I have is one I feel is a perfect fit, a little ironic gift from God that tells me He has a better plan for my life than I could have imagined.

And all of this makes me realize how in control He is. It also makes me realize that He will continue to bless me as well as my husband and my marriage. And while it will be difficult to give up my oh so careful planning for the future, as well as some of my materialistic desires, I know it will be worth it.

Listening To: Alli Rogers - Eden

Reading: Text message from Justin - "Cool! I'm getting off at 9." 

A Roller Coaster Kind Of Rush

It's 2:45pm on a Sunday afternoon. The heater is turned up to 80 degrees, and Justin left for work almost 20 minutes ago. We enjoyed a game of Scrabble (which I won), lunch at Jason's Deli, and an insightful, thought provoking sermon at Frontline Church prior to his leaving for work.

Days like today when Justin works the afternoon/evening shift and I stay at home can sometimes be the most stressful as it feels as though we are trying to cram a whole day into just half a day. And in other ways, the days are the least stressful because they allow us time to just rest instead of running around.

Today should provide me with a chance to vacuum the apartment, organize the living room and possibly the playroom, and to enjoy the comfort that comes from resting on the couch and reading. I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle so often that I forget just how wonderful it can be to spend the majority of an entire day (and even a weekend) at home instead of fighting the crowds at the mall or Target.

So much is changing in our lives that I'm discovering I truly need the weekends to recover. And while it is somewhat difficult to imagine our lives changing more than they already have by our getting married just 10 months after meeting, the change is fast approaching.

We're doing our best to save money and pay off debt so that we can soon afford to buy a home. We're both also adjusting to life as adults, complete with 40+ hour work weeks and pesky bills to pay. We're in the process of joining a church together and finding where exactly we fit in the church. It's exciting and exhausting, and we look forward to chronicling the changes (both exciting and not-so-exciting) here!

Listening To: Taylor Swift - The Way I Loved You

Reading: Amy Bloom - Away