Monday, December 1, 2008

Good And Evil Against My Chest

Justin and I both have a strong faith in God, and we have both felt our faith in God waiver during different periods of our lives. I can't speak for Justin, but I can say that there have been times when I have strongly questioned God's presence in my life. I've known that God existed for quite some time. I even stopped denying His existence in high school. However, I've always felt that He didn't exist in my life the way He did in others lives. I always decided there was nothing I could do to fix this fact because I felt as though I had already done everything and received nothing from my efforts.

On Sunday, Justin and I attended the church we are considering making our home church, Frontline Church in the heart of downtown Oklahoma City. Pastor Dave chose this Sunday to preach on what we do to stand in the way of God' full and amazing power. There were 6 things, and I wrote them down on a piece of paper that is currently stuffed in one of my purses. While I can't remember all 6 things, I do clearly remember thinking "holy crap, I am totally guilty of doing all those things...whoops?"

I spent time last night reading Genesis, in my attempt to hopefully read the entire Bible in 365 days, and then praying. And today, my prayers were answered in a way I did not expect. While I can't go into the details of how the prayer was answered, I can say that I am blown away by God's ability to leave me speechless and practically in (joyful) tears while sitting in my cubicle at work.

There have been so many times in the past when I have felt as though there was so much more out there for me. And I still feel that way. I can also recognize that I stood in my way in the past and that I am still currently standing in my way. I'm just stubborn enough, though, that I don't usually want to change my ways until God takes a 2x4 and whacks me upside the head. Usually, the whacks hurt and leave a huge lump. This time, the whack was wonderful and has left me with a goofy smile.

What this comes down to, I guess, is simple. God is showing me that I need to stop planning so much. While I know He doesn't want me to walk through life blindly, He does want me to let go of all my plans and ideas and need to be in control. I know this to be a fact because the place I am at in my life right now is a place I, honestly, never wanted to be in.

I planned to move far away from the southern region of the United States. I planned to reside in New York City or Los Angeles or Chicago or Paris or Beijing or some other equally amazing and gigantic city. I planned to never marry, at least not before I turned 30. I planned to teach. I planned.. a lot of things.

Instead, I stayed in Oklahoma City. I married right out of college, at the age of 23, after knowing the man for (not even) 12 months. I'm not a teacher. The salary I make at my current job is much smaller than I planned for or hoped for. Still, the job I have is one I feel is a perfect fit, a little ironic gift from God that tells me He has a better plan for my life than I could have imagined.

And all of this makes me realize how in control He is. It also makes me realize that He will continue to bless me as well as my husband and my marriage. And while it will be difficult to give up my oh so careful planning for the future, as well as some of my materialistic desires, I know it will be worth it.

Listening To: Alli Rogers - Eden
Reading: Text message from Justin - "Cool! I'm getting off at 9." 

2 comments:

emmy said...

Beautifully written, as always. That's a lesson I need to learn as well. I know it in my head, but haven't grasped it in my heart yet. I'm glad that you are finding joy in God's plan for you.

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